When Family Ties Strangle: The Struggles of Estranged Children in an Unforgiving Society

This past Sunday, while many people were giving their moms bouquets, taking them out to brunch, and celebrating them with flowery posts on social media, I was sitting on my back porch repeatedly going through the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding exercise I learned in therapy to stop a welling panic attack. It worked for a short while, but the panic attack eventually won out. This doesn't happen every Mother's Day, but it often does. If I could have my druthers, I'd spend all that time thinking about the grandmother who gave me a safe space away from my mom instead of my mom, but the pervasive nature of her emotional abuse means I seldom get away from her for long.

My mother abuses me by undermining me in every way possible, and the more I cut her out of my life, the more she hones in on my deepest fears and does her level best to make them come true. It's been close to fifteen years since I last talked to her. I wrote a post about how my grandfather's death at age eight played into my eventual atheism, and that prompted a several-page scathing email from my mother, who told me I was fake, that I put on “airs,” that I harmed HER by thinking of my grandfather as just dead and gone, and so on and so forth...

We briefly repaired our relationship, but then Obama got elected, and every conversation ended up with one or both of them trying to shove extremist right-wing propaganda down my throat and belittling me for the very principles I live my life by. I tried to invite them to my wedding with a simple request... we don't talk about politics. It took months for them to reply, but the reply was from my father refusing to honor that request and giving me a lecture on how socialism would never work.

Two years ago, my dad died of Alzheimer's at 69. He had been battling the disease for six years before his death. During that same period, I was going through breast cancer. No one in my family contacted me. For all I know, my dad told them not to reach out, knowing that my biggest fear was not getting to say goodbye to my loved ones before they died. My mom, my brother, his wife, and all of my extended family who knew... none of them reached out to me. Not once.

It hurt so badly when I found out he died through a lawyer who contacted me because he died without a will (six years, no will, WTF). What followed was a protracted legal struggle where I had to untangle my mom's lies to try and figure out what was going on. I still don’t know how I'm expected to mourn the loss of a man who apparently didn’t think I was worthy enough to say goodbye to.

And about a decade before that, the only person in my family who consistently gave me love was my grandmother. She provided me a safe space away from my family without me even knowing it. She never badmouthed my shitty mom despite apparently very much disliking her. My grandma was amazing. They let her die without telling me, too. What kind of monsters do this, and why the fuck am I expected to forgive them?!

The lack of support for estranged children is glaring. Society romanticizes the idea of family, often ignoring the painful realities of those whose families are a source of trauma rather than love. There’s a pervasive narrative that family bonds are unbreakable, and any rupture is seen as a personal failing rather than a survival tactic. It’s infuriating that roughly 26.5 million people in the US (and that's a conservative estimate) are struggling with family estrangement, and no one gives a shit. We’re left to fend for ourselves in a society that values the illusion of perfect family harmony over the truth of our experiences.

Why Society Fails Us: 1. Idealized Family Image: Society clings to the ideal of the perfect family. Holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day reinforce this, leaving those of us estranged feeling alienated and defective. 2. Blame and Shame: Estranged children are often blamed for the breakdown of the relationship. We’re seen as rebellious, ungrateful, or even selfish. The reality is usually far more complex, often involving patterns of emotional abuse, manipulation, and in my case, extreme ideological differences. 3. Lack of Awareness and Resources: There’s minimal awareness or resources available for estranged children. Support groups and therapy can help, but they’re not widely publicized or easily accessible. 4. Medical History: Estrangement often means losing access to family medical history. This is crucial information that can affect healthcare decisions. When your family medical history abruptly ends, it complicates dealing with your own medical issues and leaves you in the dark about potential genetic risks.

The psychological toll of estrangement is profound. The constant feeling of ostracization and the emotional abuse that often precedes it can lead to anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Society’s failure to acknowledge and support estranged children only exacerbates these issues. According to a study from the University of Cambridge, around 1 in 5 families experience estrangement, and those who are estranged often report high levels of psychological distress, with 77% of estranged individuals dealing with mental health issues like anxiety and depression (source). This means that in the United States alone, approximately 26.5 million families are affected by estrangement.

A Message to Fellow Estranged Children: To anyone reading this who’s in the same boat, know that you are not alone. It’s estimated that millions of adults are estranged from their families. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to grieve the family you wish you had. It’s okay to set boundaries to protect your mental health. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, and it’s not your fault if your family can't accept you for who you are.

Estrangement is a complex and deeply personal journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Be gentle with yourself. Seek out friends and chosen family who uplift and support you. Find communities, online or offline, where you can share your story without judgment. Your worth isn’t defined by your biological family’s acceptance or rejection.

Remember, you have the right to create a life filled with people who love and appreciate you for who you truly are. It’s a tough road, but your well-being and happiness are worth it. Keep moving forward, one step at a time.

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